Some days, I feel normal.
Some days, I don't cry.
Some days, I forget that only one of my three children lived through pregnancy.
Today was not one of those days.
Today, I cried.
Today, I remembered Leonard.
I would be 8 months pregnant right now. I would feel him kicking and I would pee a lot. My back might hurt and I might complain about how this was the longest nine months of my life. People would tell me how I glow and I would tell them that's just sweat. They would laugh and give me a hug and rub my belly. I should be pregnant right now.
Would his birth have been easy? Would he have had red hair? Would looking into his eyes been like looking straight into his daddy's eyes? Would he have wrapped his little hand around my finger? Would Amelia have given him a kiss on the forehead? Would we have taken a picture of the four of us, all smiles and joy?
But I'm not pregnant right now. Leonard went home too soon.
Today, I remembered Sam.
I might not have even known about Sam, if I hadn't been tracking my days. I was only 3 weeks pregnant. Today, I would have been about 3 months pregnant, if he or she hadn't gone on to be with the Lord. I'd be crazy nauseous like I was with Amelia and Leonard. I'd be looking forward to that glorious second trimester. You know, the one where you finally look pregnant instead of fat and you start to get that glow people talk about?
I should be pregnant right now. Sam went home far too soon.
Today, I remembered Kirby.
When I was little, I had a younger brother named Kirby. He went home to the with the Lord also. I don't remember meeting him at all but my parents told me about him, about how he was home with Jesus. I used to pretend he was still alive. I made up stories where we played together and were best friends. He would always take my side instead of our youngest brother's side because obviously I was always right and Kirby would have been able to see that. Obviously.
As I grew up, I always wondered about Kirby. What would he have been like? Would we have actually been best friends? Would he be funny and quirky? Would he know Jesus? I wish I had the chance to know him.
Kirby went home too soon.
The three of them are all together now, worshiping God. I won't get the chance to know any of them until I get to heaven, hopefully in about 80 years or so. Droplets in the ocean of time, I know, but it still hurts.
I can recite all sorts of scripture about being at peace and the Lord providing comfort, all of which are true and good. But today, the verse that is really resonating with me is the shortest one in the entire Bible. "Jesus wept." John
He knew Lazarus was not going to stay in the grave, but He also knew the pain Mary and Martha felt. Their brother had died and Jesus wept alongside them. Jesus wept, ya'll! The Lord of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things, the Alpha and the Omega wept! Can you picture that? Imagine it, his cheeks covered in salty tears, his lips that spoke life into being, trembling; his shoulders, that would carry the sins of the world, shuddering up and down;, his hands, that had fashioned the stars, covering his face. He wept. Lazarus had died. Mary and Martha were heartbroken. He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. Jesus wept.
That's the God I serve.
I serve a God who knows the pain I feel and weeps alongside me. He never intended for us to feel the pain of death like this. It breaks His heart. We sinned and the punishment for that is eternal death, but that's not what God wanted for us. So He sent His Son to earth to take our place. All we have to do is accept the gift He's offering. Simply believe in the Lord Jesus! Jesus has conquered death. It has no power over me. I will pass from this life into His presence and worship Him with Kirby, Leonard, and Sam at my side.
That's the God I serve.
Aly lives in San Antonio with her husband, daughter, and kitties. She hopes to visit Madagascar in the near future as a short term missionary. You can read more about her adventures at MomsGoing.com.