Sunday, March 30, 2014

Whisper . . . a short story drawn from our own journey through infertility

Infertility.

Why do we hide from that word and suffer so quietly?

Why do we withdraw from those we love when dealing with this tragedy?

Is it because we are ashamed?

Or is it because we are afraid that if we say the word out loud, it will become all too real.

Why is it so hard trust God with this most painful journey?

All these questions and more, flooded our minds as we dealt with infertility for four plus years. 

I have written about our journey several times as I have reflected on how God worked in our lives through this trial, and I will never be able to praise God enough for the work He did or for His amazing plans.



For those of you traveling this path, know that you are not alone. There are thousands of couples struggling with this, and if we would come together, we could encourage each other. 

But even more than that, God, our almighty and compassionate father, is standing at the door of your heart, patiently waiting for you to let go and give Him your pain. 
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God put a story in my heart. A story that comes straight from our journey. 

I have entered this short story in a contest in hope that it would reach more people who are silently suffering and supply them with the hope that only comes from our heavenly father. 

Part of the contest is judged by judges, but you can play a role as well. You can give my story a thumbs up if you like. Simply click HERE.

As you read it, know that I am praying for each and every one of you and that my heart is with you.
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Whisper

Waves of grief and desperation billowed through her heart, as Celia fell to her knees on the bathroom floor. Month after month, nothing. Year after year, nothing. Test after test, nothing. Treatment after treatment, nothing. She was tired and angry. Months turned into years as she watched friends have their first, second and third child. Another month, another year gone by in barrenness.

How many times had she let her heart dare to hope that this might be THE month only to have even that glimmer of hope dashed? How many doctors had told her, “we don’t know what the problem is, so I guess we’ll call it PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). Such a copout. This diagnosis made her feel like the medical community didn’t care to truly uncover the underlying problem that caused her infertility and she found it so frustrating time and time again.

“Lord, I just can't take this anymore. Why? WHY?! Why can't I have a child? I've followed You. I've dealt with loss and pain before and focused on You. I just don't understand why I can't get pregnant when there are so many girls and women around me who do and either don't want it or deserve it. Yes, I said it, Lord. It’s not fair, but, you know what, I don’t even care anymore. Maybe I’m not meant to have a child. I’m too tired. I’m finished.”

The persistent whisper in her heart that had been stifled for so many years by tears and pain suddenly grew louder.

“Child, have you really turned your eyes to Me and focused on Me or have you been focusing on YOUR pain? Have you been satisfied by Me and ME alone? I have been here waiting for you to hear Me, but you were not looking to me, dear one.”

“Daughter of mine, you clearly do not understand My ways or my heart when you question Me in this way. I have a plan for you that is far more wonderful than anything your finite mind can fathom. You dream of red curly headed babies frolicking about the house but I see black headed children waiting for you far far away. Until you learn to trust Me with your life, My vision for you cannot be realized. Don’t you see, my love?”

“Father, are you saying that adoption is something we should consider? But I have always dreamed of carrying a child inside my body, was this dream not from You?”

“Did you seek me when you dreamed this dream? I’ve been closing doors but you keep trying to open them. Be still, rest, and listen to My heart.”

With tears streaming down her face, Celia hugged her knees close, shivering in the cold bathroom. They should put a vent  . . . wait, there she went again, letting her mind wander away from her Father and onto her problems, a small one, yes, but a selfish problem all the same. That is what God was trying to tell her. She hadn’t been truly focusing on Him. Instead of dwelling in the One who had saved her, she was living in her own little world of desires.

Her husband John walked in the room looking as haggard and tired as she felt. Celia looked up at him with a glimmer of hope.

"John," she said breathlessly. "God just whispered a promise into my heart."

John, ever the consummate scientist, even with his faith, looked at her skeptically. “What? Can’t you give me a minute here? I just got home from work. Do we have to go deep right this second? It was a long day.”

“Yes, we do, John,” she replied evenly. “This important to me. God broke through my pain and selfish pride today and showed me His plan. We need to stop and listen.”

“Let me guess. This has to do with having a baby.”

“Well, it is pretty much all I think about.”

“Perhaps that is the problem.”

“Why would you say that? Don’t you want a baby?” Celia voice quivered, on the verge of tears.

“Of course I do, but I don’t obsess about it all the time.”

“Oh, I see. . . . Is that how I seem to you? Obsessed?”

“Well, frankly, yes. You stress me out, baby. I’m barely holding it together at work, and then I come home to find you depressed and moping about. I have been wanting to tell you that we need to let go of this burden and let God carry it for us, but I was afraid of how you would react. So tell me, what happened today?”

“I got my period today and you know how that goes. So I just laid it all out there before God, my anger and desperation. I let God know that this was it for me. I couldn’t handle it anymore. And then, He spoke so clearly in my heart. Actually, I think He had been screaming this all along, but I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn’t hear it. He told me to stop wallowing and start listening. Listening to His voice and His plan for us. And you know what He said?”

“I think I have an idea, because He has been whispering in my heart too.”

“He said, ‘you will have children but they are waiting for you far away.’” Celia paused for effect.

John turned around and looked straight at her. They both felt an overwhelming sense of awe rise within them as they both said simultaneously,

“Asia.”


Right there, in that small one bedroom condo, it was as if time had stopped. They felt the love of the Father wrapped around them as they stepped into His marvelous plan leaving their silly earthly “dreams” behind. What was their next step? They weren’t even sure, but they knew in that moment that God would guide their every step. His plan. His way. His miracle.

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To learn more about our infertility journey and what God has done in our lives as a result, read this previous post: Hope Springs Forth

Vote for my story (((HERE)))

Blessings dear ones,


2 comments:

  1. BEAUTIFUL! I can so identify with God's words to "Celia" although in a new to me and different scenario in our lives currently. Yesterday, He asked me if I was pressing in to Him for a breakthrough in our particular season of hardship OR if I was willing to press in to Him FOR HIM. Ouch. I felt my pride and desperation being peeled away like a bandaid on a hairy arm - "ouch, ouch, ouch."

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  2. Soo beautiful! Thank you for your sharing!! I can definitely relate!

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